


The Monster you Made of Me

by frankenberger



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017)
Genre: Angst, Dat Kylo Butt, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Kissing, Porn in Chapter 3!, Rough Sex, SPOILERS FOR THE LAST JEDI, The Rating Will Be Earned, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-26
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-22 00:37:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13155438
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frankenberger/pseuds/frankenberger
Summary: There is never only dark and light. Between the day and the night, there are bands of grey. The sunset and the sunrise, the transition between sleep and waking.This is where he waits for her, in these empty spaces.Rey tells herself she would be happy if she never saw Kylo Ren again, but the Force clearly has other plans.***Originally envisioned as a one-shot but now I can't stop and the Reylo angst is taking over my life. Help.





	1. The Ocean, The Island

Rey was physically and mentally exhausted. 

She was relieved to finally be back among people rather than being stuck on a windy rock on Ahch-To, but it was still hard to acclimatise. The Millennium Falcon wasn’t built for more than a few crew members, and the close quarters made the handful of Resistance survivors seem like a crowd.

In a dim corner of the forward hold, Rey finally found some solace. An isolated nook, a couple of blankets and a musty sack of provisions that would work, in a pinch, as a pillow. She had hoped to string up a hammock to save herself from the cold metal floor and the tooth-grinding thrum of the ship’s engines, but exhaustion made such a task seem impossible. This wasn’t the most comfortable bed on the ship, but it would do. Rey curled up between the itchy and threadbare blankets, tasting dust and smelling her own sour sweat as she tried to drift off to sleep. 

The hairs on the back of her neck prickled with warning as the hum of the engine faded. She heard a swift intake of breath and a shaky exhale as an unseen other noticed her presence. She knew who it was, even without the benefit of sight. She squeezed her eyes tightly shut and hoped, childishly, he would think her asleep.

All she heard was the sound of his breathing, somewhere up near the ceiling. It was an unnerving sensation to be watched like this, as if insects were crawling over her prone body. “Do you still imagine the ocean, the island?” Kylo Ren asked suddenly, looming like an overgrown shadow. “Does it help you sleep, or was the reality a disappointment?”

Rey could feel her heart hammering in her chest. “Go away,” she muttered.

She heard a creak as he sat down, and she tried not to flinch. She didn’t think he could bridge the physical distance between them, but the animal part of her still recoiled at the possibility. She wished more than anything that he would just leave her to sleep.

“Honestly? I don’t know how,” Kylo said. His low voice was tainted by a hollow metallic echo. “Neither of us have the power to sustain this connection alone. It would give me no advantage to even try.”

Rey wasn’t sure if he was lying, or if he was trying to disarm her with honesty. 

“You sense it, don’t you?” Kylo continued, thoughtfully. “Neither of us can hurt the other, in this space. I can’t take anything from you unless you give it, willingly.” 

When Rey opened her eyes they were lit with a spark of anger. “Maybe you should save yourself the effort. I’m not going to talk to you.”

Before her, Kylo Ren was perched on a metal chair like some ungainly carrion bird. He was dressed in black from head to toe, but he stood out in contrast to the gloom. His darkness was amplified somehow, concentrated. Repugnant as he was, he was certainly striking.

“You look tense,” he said, a tiny quirk at the corner of his lips. “Maybe you should find a better bed to sleep in.”

_What, like yours?_ Rey shut her mouth before the words spilled out. Admittedly she was fairly naive about these things. After a childhood of stubborn individualism and scavenging for the bare essentials of existence, she hadn’t spent much time considering what other people might possibly want from her.

Kylo Ren definitely wanted something from her, but he had so far only mentioned destroying the establishment and ruling the galaxy together. There hadn’t been any mention of beds.

“I can help you,” he said, his gleaming eyes looking right through her. “We don’t have to be enemies.”

“Why would you want to help me?” she asked, her voice cracking with emotion. “You said I was nothing. You said I was worthless.”

“You’re far from worthless,” Kylo replied. He had the look of a man who was barely able to keep control. Behind his calm facade, a fire was raging. “I wish I could make you see.” His tone faltered. Rey visualised the intertwined tendrils of light and dark between their bodies, shifting and slackening as he glanced away. Did he feel it too?

“Leave me alone,” she replied, reaching out into the Force and testing the connection between them. 

“I don’t think I can,” Kylo said, returning his focus to her. “Do you think that you can make me?” His narrow face seemed to float in the darkness, punctuated by the long scar that cut across his features. Their eyes were locked, and Rey couldn’t look away. “You already know. We’re bound.”

As she tugged upon the threads of energy, she saw the grimace on his face. To Rey, it felt like a rope encircling her body, a pressure in her chest and a noose tightening around her neck. She couldn’t breathe. “I’ll never join you,” she said, fighting against the pain. “I won’t become a monster.”

“What will you become? A hero? A figurehead?” He paused. “A martyr? You’ll never be one of them, not really. You will always feel like an outsider, deep down.”

There was a bitterness on her tongue, an aftertaste of the desperate loneliness she had felt for so much of her life. “You know just what that’s like, don’t you? You’ve thrown away everyone who has ever cared about you. All the power of the dark side can’t bring them back. It can’t bring you back, either.”

He turned his face away from her, but not before she saw the moisture welling in his eyes. With their eye contact broken, Rey took a chance. She dug into the diaphanous tangle of energy between them and tore it away.

Kylo vanished, dissipating into the air as if he had no more substance than a dream. Rey lay on the cold metal floor and stared into the gloom, unable to stop wondering whether his tears had been of sadness, or of anger.


	2. The Sound of Rain

It wasn’t much of a journey to the Outer Rim, if your navigator knew what they were doing. However, finding an ally out here who would provide shelter to the remnants of the Resistance proved to be a difficult task. Life aboard the Millennium Falcon fell into a comfortable pattern as they learned how to share their limited resources, and Rey became gradually accustomed to the constant proximity of others. Several days passed without another visit from Kylo Ren. At first she was apprehensive, then grateful. Eventually, she barely thought of him at all. There were more important things to occupy her mind, after all.

She lay in the narrow bunk, awake but unwilling to give up the bed before the end of her allotted time. Shared bunks were one of her least favourite aspects of her current situation, but she realised the necessity. Her back still ached from her attempt to sleep in the hold, and she would rather not try that again unless she had to.

Coincidentally, her reclined position was perfect to observe Finn as he sat beside the bunk occupied by Rose Tico. They had moved her into the staff quarters as soon as she was awake. Even though she looked like she would be upright again very soon, Finn barely left her side.

It was bittersweet, but Rey told herself she wasn’t disappointed. She told herself that the sick feeling in her stomach was from the meager food rations. She told herself that the reason she felt so drained was because of the fight she had endured, and not this aftermath. This anticlimax.

Finn had survived, that was all that mattered. Her friend was alive.

Rey silently watched Finn and Rose as they chatted, as he fussed over her and smiled. He brushed the hair from her eyes, held the cup to her lips so she could take a sip of water. It should have been sweet to watch them interact, it should have made this whole adventure worthwhile.

“Hey.” At the sound of the soft voice, Rey turned her head to see Poe Dameron standing at the doorway of the crew quarters. He was looking over at her with a half-smile, an expression that may have been something close to pity.

“Is it your turn?” she asked, with a stab of guilt at being caught in a longing gaze at the former stormtrooper. She levered herself into a sitting position, willing her drowsy limbs to behave and not send her plunging ungracefully to the floor.

“Do you mind? I mean, I can wait. I’m not that tired.” Despite his words, Poe looked as if he were on the verge of collapse. He had been awake for far longer than anyone else on board, as he kept giving up his turn in the bunks to other people.

She knew that he needed the rest far more than she did. She glanced over at Finn, but he didn’t even seem to register her presence. He was laughing about something, too lost in his anecdote to be aware of anything but Rose.

“No, I’m done.” Rey got up, a sick feeling in her stomach. “Sleep well.”

Poe reached out to squeeze her shoulder as she passed him by. “Thanks, I owe you one.” In his eyes, she could almost see an echo of her own unease.

She wasn’t sure what she had expected, once she saw Finn again. She certainly hadn’t envisioned some overblown romance. A friendship would do, if that was all he could offer. She craved the closeness they had previously shared. She was surrounded by people, but an emptiness gnawed at her insides.

Rey walked briskly down the main corridor until she got to the number three hold and slipped inside, sealing the door behind her. As soon as she was sure she was alone, she allowed a single sob to escape.

She only heard the hum of the power converter for a few moments before it faded into silence. It was replaced by the gentle echo of falling water. Someone cleared their throat.

“You might not want to turn around.”

Rey froze on the spot, cursing her bad luck as she blinked rapidly to clear the haze of incipient tears. She was horrified that Kylo Ren could see her in this moment of weakness, but he stood between her and the doorway.

“I didn’t expect to see you again, like this.” He sounded uncomfortable. “I didn’t think you would allow it.”

Water continued to fall, projected from somewhere far across the galaxy. It pattered against hard tile, against something softer and more yielding. It must have been raining, where he was.

“I let down my guard,” he continued. “It won’t happen again.”

Rey mustered her courage, and turned to face him.

She gasped before she could help herself, overwhelmed by the sight before her. Kylo Ren stood under the spray of a shower, facing away. One large hand was pressed against the tiled wall, and the other cupped his groin protectively. Rivulets of water cascaded down the length of his body, streamed from his soaking wet hair. She saw the tension in the solid musculature of his back, in the taut curve of his buttocks. He was holding himself still, barely breathing. Conscious of her gaze.

Rey turned away, heat rising in her cheeks as she stifled the urge to apologise. This was a man who had violated her innermost thoughts, who had revelled in her fears. She still remembered the creeping sensation as he had probed inside her mind, sifting through her dreams as he searched for the information he needed. She recalled the quiet intimacy of his voice beside her ear, the chill it sent down the back of her neck. The way his fingertips had hovered beside her face, the electric proximity of skin to skin.

Rey shivered, trying to narrow her focus, to send him away. Her eyes burned with suppressed tears of despair and fury. 

“You’re upset,” Kylo observed, switching off the spray of water. “Something has happened. It’s palpable, I can almost taste it.”

The tone of his voice was strange as it echoed into the silence, tinged with something like sympathy. It was all too much, and Rey could barely stand to hear it lest she burst into tears.

“I didn’t mean to intrude,” he said. She could hear the water dripping from his naked body as he turned in her direction. She picked a spot on the far wall and fixed her blurred vision upon it, trying not to imagine what he looked like from the front. “If I had known that a single thought could...” His voice trailed off, and he took a deep breath.

_A single thought._ Rey didn’t even want to contemplate what he meant. “Stop this,” she said, her mind reeling. “Please.”

“You can stop this,” he said, taking a step toward her across the wet tiles. “Any time you want. But you haven’t. Why?”

“I can’t,” she replied honestly.

“You’re stronger than you think,” he said. “I used to think you were fragile, but I was wrong.”

If he came any closer, he would be near enough to touch. Rey could almost feel his breath upon her neck.

“You bend in the wind like a branch of a tree. Still green, but strong. How hard will you bend before you break?”

She kept her mouth shut, but she was breathing too loud, showing too much of herself. Rey could feel the tension buzzing in her limbs, the jerky motion of her chest as it rose and fell. She caught or perhaps imagined the elusive scent of soap, of clean wet skin. 

When he spoke again, his voice was almost a whisper. “I don’t want to be the one to break you,” he said. “Believe me, or don’t.”

“I don’t.” She breathed the words half to herself, uncertain and shaky. He heard her, and made a small noise of assent.

“Goodbye, Rey.” He said, and the bubble between them burst as he broke the connection. 

Rey was alone in a room full of humming machinery, with a pain in her chest and a head swimming with confusing emotions. “Goodbye,” she said.


	3. We stand, and fall

For the first time in weeks, Rey stood upon solid ground. The scent of rich earth was carried on the cool breeze as it kissed the fields of wild grasses. Above her, birds cried and spun in shifting formations against the clear blue sky. It was late afternoon on Dantooine, and soon the sun would begin to creep below the horizon.

Rey had heard them speak of an abandoned Jedi enclave here on Dantooine, but the Khoonda Plains were too far for a journey on foot. Instead, she stayed close. Leaning on her staff, she gazed out at the windmills on the far horizon. It was beautiful out here, beyond the confines of the former rebel base. Clinging vines were slowly reclaiming the buildings, turning the white facades into ruins of crumbling masonry. It seemed right, that nature should take back this place after so many years. 

“Let the past die,” she whispered into the wind, a troubled furrow in her brow. It felt like a step backwards, taking shelter here on this remote planet. Walking among the ghosts of the dead, of rebels and imperial troops alike. She didn’t know how long they could last here, in this weathered skeleton of a base. Everyone felt the same worry, but few spoke it aloud. It was only a matter of time before the First Order found them here, and crushed the last of the Resistance.

“There will always be hope,” Leia had told her, squeezing her hand as they stepped off the Millennium Falcon into the sunshine. General Organa could sense her apprehension, but the words were not just hollow reassurance. “As long as I am here, as long as you are here. We will return balance to the Force.”

Rey wanted to believe Leia, more than anything. She wanted that inspiration to rub off on her, to fill her with hope for the future. But as the hours passed, her certainty waned. She had tried to keep herself busy, helping to scour the base for hostile life, to dust and clean until her help was no longer needed. General Organa and the remainder of her officers were discussing battle strategy in the command centre of the base, but Rey didn’t have any tactical skill to offer to the conversation. She had volunteered to join Finn and Poe Dameron on their expedition to a local town to purchase provisions. Poe had cautioned her against it, explaining that some of the locals still held a grudge against the Jedi from some long-ago war. So she had stayed.

And now the sun was setting. The blue of the sky faded to violet, and the horizon blazed with an orange glow. As the light began to dim, the wind became cool. Rey was acutely aware of her solitude.

She turned around, and she started the short walk back to the base.

She had been assigned her own private quarters. She had protested, of course. The common bunks were just fine, and she didn’t need the privacy. But still, they insisted on setting her apart. As if she were a Jedi knight rather than a padawan without a master, an impostor with a broken lightsaber.

She unfastened her belt and shrugged out of her sleeveless vest, feeling the slight chill of the air as sat down on the edge of the bed in her simple linen tunic. The old sheets were soft beneath the palms of her hands. They hadn’t managed to get the generators up and running again, and soon it would be too dark for her to see. For now, the fading light of the setting sun bathed the room in a dusky ambiance, melancholy shades of rose and indigo. 

She could join the other survivors, in the common areas of the base. She could sit with them by their campfires, laughing at their jokes and telling stories of her adventures. It seemed too hard, though, to fix a smile upon her face all evening and keep her spirits high for all to see. It would be so much harder to come back to this lonely room, to press her face into the pillow and try not to cry too loud.

She found herself thinking of Kylo Ren, of the truth behind the words he had spoken. She felt like an outsider, and there was nobody here who would understand.

Rey took a deep breath, and allowed her consciousness to reach out through the Force. “Ben?” she asked, her words ringing out into the silence of the room. “Are you there?”

A window opened into darkness, and she saw a pale shoulder shifting in a sea of black. Bedsheets of some soft and slippery fabric were twined around his restless body, sliding against the dark tangles of his hair. He opened his eyes in a blur of sleepy confusion. “Rey?”

“You were right,” she said, watching blankly as he dragged himself into consciousness. “It only takes a single thought. How can it be so effortless?”

“This isn’t a dream,” he said. The black sheets whispered across his bare torso as he turned to face her, exposing his hairless chest. Heaving with his breath, beaded with sweat. 

“Do you dream about me often?” she asked quietly, alarmed by her own boldness. There was a time when she would have blushed and looked away. There was a heat inside her, simmering somewhere deep in her body. It wasn’t embarrassment, it was something new.

“Do you really want to know?” In sleep, his trousers had ridden down to expose the deep cut of his abdominal muscles, the long sleek lines that pointed like an arrow toward his groin.

“You were thinking about me, in the shower.” Rey spoke with certainty, watching with glistening eyes as he sat up in bed. “The last time we spoke. You admitted it.”

“I wasn’t dreaming then,” he gave her a thin smile, uncertain of where she was leading.

Rey nodded, wetting her dry lips with the tip of her tongue. “If you had been dreaming, would the conversation have gone differently?”

He paused for a moment before answering, studying her thoughtfully. “Very,” he replied finally.

“Tell me,” Rey said, the briefest smile dancing upon her features.

“What is this?” His voice was tinged with suspicion.

She sighed. “There are so many lies. I never know where I stand with anyone.” She leant forward, resting her arms across her knees. “Except you.”

He mirrored her posture, whether consciously or without his knowledge. They were close now, barely an arm’s length away. There was something comfortable about it, this proximity. “I don’t want to lie to you,” he said, softly.

“Be honest, then.”

“I don’t know why I keep thinking of you,” Kylo said, his eyes gleaming. “I try to stop, but I don’t think I’m strong enough.”

It wasn’t like him, to admit his weaknesses so freely. Rey heard the raw emotion in his voice, and felt a wave of sympathy toward him. She reached up with a shaking hand and traced the curving line of the scar that crossed his cheek, her fingertips hovering close above his skin. The wound had been deep, but clean. “Does it hurt?” she asked distractedly. She could almost feel the warmth of his body, smell the bitterness of his sweat.

His lips parted as if he were about to speak. Breathlessly, Rey allowed the bond to draw them together. Her fingertips alighted on his skin, grazing across the puckered flesh of the scar she had left him. She heard the sound of his heartbeat racing, the hushed wonder of the thoughts whirling around inside his head. Slowly, she lowered her hand, feeling her heart beat just as fast as his.

There was a single moment of stillness, and then Kylo launched himself toward her. Blindly grasping, his fingers wound themselves into her hair as he crushed their lips together in a desperate kiss. He knew that she could end this at any time, and she knew that he could hurt her, while they stayed connected in this way. But his ferocity was too intoxicating. She wanted this. Right now, it was all she wanted.

Her tongue flickered into his mouth as the kiss deepened, and a helpless groan rumbled from his chest. He tasted like salt, and she was hungry for it. Rey fell back against the bed, dragging him down with her. He pressed himself flush to her body, grinding against her with slow and sinuous movements. She moaned as she felt the hard length of him beneath the tightness of his black trousers, and she gasped as he broke the lock of their lips only to trail wet, wanting kisses down her jawline and into the curve of her throat.

Suddenly, he broke away from her. She arched her back to chase him, meeting only the chill air as he rested back upon his haunches, panting. “Show me more,” he said, his voice rough. “I want to see all of you. It’s only fair.”

Maintaining eye contact in case he suddenly vanished, Rey shuffled backwards on the bed. With aching slowness, she lifted her tunic over her head. “Fair?” she asked. “Since when was any of this fair?”

He bit his lip as she unbound her breasts, staring with open hunger as they spilled into her cupped hands.

“You can touch me,” she said, but he didn’t move.

“I’m afraid of what will happen,” he replied huskily.

“Don’t be afraid.” They were the words he had once spoken to her, so long ago. “I feel it too.”

He reached out with shaking hands, running his palms up her legs, scraping against the light fabric of her calf-length desert pants. When his fingertips reached bare skin she shivered, easing backward onto the sheets as he hooked his thumbs into her loose waistband and pulled the fabric down her thighs. His breath was damp and hot as he traveled up her body, tasting her skin with soft kisses even as his hand ventured into the warm wetness between her legs.

Rey cried out as he latched onto her breast, sucking and gnawing at the hardening flesh of her nipple. His thumb had found her clit, and circled it with firm, steady strokes. She felt as if she would float away, would explode into a million sparkling fragments. “More,” she said.

He gave her more. The pressure of his thumb intensified, slippery against her nub. He abandoned her firm peaked nipple, entranced by the flushed expression on her face. “More,” she said again, glancing down at the straining bulge inside his pants.

Kylo didn’t need any more prompting. He tugged his trousers down urgently, gritting his teeth at the friction of the smooth fabric. His engorged cock sprang free, painfully hard and jutting against the pale skin of his stomach. He wrapped his free hand around the considerable girth, tugging gently as he watched her writhe beneath him.

“Yes,” she murmured, barely intelligible. She had once thought him a narrow-faced boy, slight and scrawny beneath the voluminous mass of his robes. She had been so wrong. “Please, Ben.”

He withdrew his slick fingers from her core, settling down over her body as they kissed, a messy slide of tongues and lips. She felt the blunt press of his cock against her dripping cunt, heard her name upon his lips as he slowly pushed inside.

She gasped at the sensation as he sank into her, the unfamiliar stretch and the slight burn of his entry. Wrapping her arms around him, she dug her fingernails into the broad muscles of his shoulders as he started to move in shallow, rolling thrusts.

His black hair hung over her face like a curtain, and the look upon his face was almost manic, teeth bared and dark eyes blazing. But he was gentle, too gentle. It was all wrong. This man was her enemy. He should be fighting her with tooth and claw, fucking her with all the anger and fire she saw in his eyes. She rose up against him, meeting every thrust with a sharp tilt of her hips. 

“Rey,” he breathed, unsure.

Impatient, Rey tugged him sideways, rolling him onto his back. He sprawled, mouth open in stunned awe, as she straddled him. Grasping the base of his slick cock, she guided herself down onto it, burying him to the hilt with a low moan of satisfaction.

Kylo stretched back upon the bed, overwhelmed by the tight heat of her, and she began to ride him, tilting her pelvis so he rubbed against the upper wall of her cunt with every stroke. She ground against his hipbones, hearing the sweaty slap of their bodies, his harsh exhales as she took what she needed from him. Her breasts bounced obscenely as she rose and fell, crying out as she approached the pinnacle of her pleasure.

It reached her without warning, like a sudden explosion inside her mind. Shaking with the intensity of her orgasm, she crumpled down over his sweat-damp body, meeting him in a desperate, deep kiss. He clutched at her, holding her tight as he continued to move inside her, thrusting hard as he chased his own release.

His grip around her upper arms was bruisingly tight, but she didn’t care in this moment. Her muscles tightened around his cock as another wave of pleasure rolled over her, and she moaned, overstimulated, as he finally came. 

Rey’s legs were shaking, but she somehow managed to lever herself off Kylo and collapse to the bed beside him. She lay her head upon his chest, listening to the rapid beat of his heart. Drowsy and elated, she planted a soft kiss upon his salty skin.

Kylo opened his eyes, gazing down at her. “This wasn’t a dream,” he said, almost as if he were trying to believe it.

“No,” she replied, unable to keep from smiling.

Kylo returned her smile, so guileless in his afterglow. “You found yourself a proper bed, I see.” He glanced around the room, bathed in light from the twin moons of Dantooine. “A private room.”

Rey was about to agree with him, when something inside her sounded a note of warning. Alarmed, she rolled away from him. 

Reaching blindly into the ether, she yanked at the tendrils of energy that connected them and severed the link. The last thing she saw was the look of shocked confusion on his face, before he faded out of sight.

Rey had forgotten where she was, who she was with. She had pursued her own desires without a care for the consequences. And now? He had seen her room. He might have even seen the window, the baleful moons that hung upon the sky.

There was every chance that the Supreme Leader of the First Order now knew where the remainder of the Resistance was hiding.

Rey collapsed back onto the bed, sweat and bodily fluids cooling upon her skin.

“What have I done?” she asked the silent room, and for once, nobody answered.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone!
> 
> I haven't written het smut in quite some time but Reylo has stolen my imagination and where the muses go, I must follow.
> 
> I sent the Resistance to Dantooine. Not sure why, but it seemed right. 
> 
> Hope you liked my little fic, and let me know if you want more. I might be able to summon some more story and/or smut.
> 
> Kudos, comments, criticisms and fart noises are always welcomed.
> 
> You can find me on twitter at [twitter.com/Frankenberger](https://twitter.com/Frankenberger), if you want to come say hi.
> 
> May the Force be with you, my lovelies <3


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